I didn’t really know what to call this post… or if i’ll even post it because i do try to keep the blog a happy place… but sometimes you just need to write things down, get them off your chest…
April. It has not been a great month.
As a rule, i am the kind of person, who always makes everyone laugh or tries to make others feel better.. I am the joker of my family, the entertainer, i guess that has something to do with my career choice. I tend to bottle everything up and then explode all at once, and with my accident, i did exactly that.
Although i am physically going to be fine eventually, and i am VERY lucky that i can still walk, and thankful for this, it has been hard mentally.
I try not to talk about it to people, because i know its temporary and i’m going to be okay in the end, despite it being a long road to recovery.And i don’t want people to judge me and say i’m being dramatic because, yes i am going to be okay, in the end… But when your whole life revolves around something, or something is a massive part of your life, and that thing gets taken away from you and is out of your control, it does affect your mental well being.
Before my accident i was extremely independent, i always have been, i was literally never at home, i was almost always out the house. Always doing something, be it walking, the gym, aerial, circus, out with friends… i was rarely home and i never stopped. Part of this is because i am generally an active person. I have always danced since i was little, and i love exercising… but part of it was because my ex boyfriend, the one who i was with for years, left. We split because he wanted to go travelling with a friend, and it’s been hard to accept and come to terms with. So part of me always being busy, for months on end, was because i was trying not to let the pain of him leaving get to me.
I went from doing all that… to being bed bound for weeks, in and out of hospital all the time, x rays allllll the time, pain all the time, not being able to walk properly… Small things get to you the most, like not being able to put your own socks on, not being able to bend down to get something out the bottom shelf in the fridge, having to rely on others to do things for me. The things i used to do so easily, that now i can’t, there’s just a huge list. My legs shook so badly when i attempted the stairs… this didn’t stop me, but it’s things like that, things you take for granted every single day, that i suddenly couldn’t do anymore.
I know… it could have been worse, i could have damaged my spinal cord and never ever walked again… but this doesn’t mean that whats happened to me isn’t hard.
Sometimes it’s just hard. And dealing with all this without the person you love by your side, makes it harder. When the only person you want, the person you want to tell things to, to give you a big cuddle and tell you everything is going to be okay, when that person isn’t there anymore, it’s hard.
When they told me in hospital that i didn’t need surgery, and that i could have a brace for 3 months, and would be able to walk normally again, dance again. I actually cried, something i rarely do. My spinal consultant left my bay, and i cried. And then when i told my mum when she arrived at visiting, i cried again. It’s so cliche and people say it constantly, but you literally never know what’s going to happen.
I had plans on this being one of the best years of my life, and it changed in a split second. I wanted to be off on a cruise ship dancing/singing/ doing aerial. Travelling the world. Instead, one split second of movement the wrong way, and everything changed. And that’s hard. Really hard some days. Some are worse than others and i cry a lot. But i just keep reminding myself of what could have been. Sure things have been bad, but i could have never had the chance to walk again. Never been able to dance again. And that thought does bring a small glimmer of happiness back when things are bad.
But, this being said, i am going to make it my mission to come back after this stronger and better than before. After physio of course. I want to look back a year from now and be really truly happy. Not just fleetingly, for a few days a week. I want to be really happy.
Everything happens for a reason, even if the reason isn’t always clear to begin with.
“The important thing is not to be bitter over life’s disappointments. Learn to let go of the past… and recognize that everyday won’t be sunny. And when you find yourself lost in the darkness and despair… remember it’s only in the black of night you can see the stars, and those stars will lead you back home. So don’t be afraid to make mistakes, to stumble, to fall, cause most of the time the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you’ll get everything you wish for… Maybe you’ll get more than you ever could have imagined… Who knows where life will take you. The road is long and in the end… the journey is the destination”